A New Year

  A new year and a whole new year full of memories.  What is yet to come and what has already been?  God has surly been there for us.  My 45th birthday is this week and with that brings a lot of memories.  See the 20th is when Sierra was due even though she was born early on October 10th.  I still think of her birthday as possibly on the same day as mine. If you remember she was stillborn on Oct. 10th.  So every year when my birthday comes around I think about that I could be celebrating it with my daughter.  This year she would be 15. What a fun age!  So many things I have missed as a mom doing with a daughter, since now I have only boys.  Boys are great, too. But there is just a special bond between a mom and daughter just things you can only know if you have a daughter.  Come to think of it, it is just like that of a repenting heart.  You can not describe it.  The feeling is just wonderful and special.  There was so many hopes and dreams I had for each of my daughters.  Kayla had talked of plans she had for the future.  I can here her now saying as I brushed her hair how she wanted to be doctor and someday find out what happened to Seth.  Find the answers about SIDS.  She had such a carrying heart for children and enjoyed being around the elderly also.   Sometimes I need to watch out that I do not get jealous of other mothers who have daughters with them.  I look around and there are others who have their daughters with them and they do not realize how special that is and now the one that are Kayla's age are getting married and having children OH what a beautiful blessing!  These things are so heart wrenching to watch.  Do not get me wrong I am so happy for them but I still wonder why not me?  God knows what he is doing.  Just as with my sweet little Taylen. This week he is facing some hard things. He will be going to Riley Hospital for a MACE surgery.  This is a very intensive surgery.  We do know God will be with the surgeons but it is still hard to see your child go through all the shots and things they have to do to him to prepare him for the surgery.  Then when they wheel him away from you into the surgery and you do not know if he will return to you or not. You just have to believe.  That is the hard part.  He has already been through this a few other times but it still does not get any easier and this time he will be under longer than the other times.  Just to say the least,  I am a little at my wits end right now.  I know what you are saying right now,  just what I am telling my self.  Get on your knees, look in the word,  you will find the strength.  God has always brought me through before.  Just as He can bring anyone through any trail.  You just have to ask and search for the answers.