Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Two thoughts

  I have two thoughts for today that have been on my mind for sometime.  The first one is....well, most people always say that loosing a child must be the hardest pain to bare.  I had thought that at the time of loosing my children, but not maybe now.  Because I have seen some things and been through some things and maybe it has given me some new perspective on things.  One thing is loosing one's parent.  That has to be hard. I personally have not lost my parents, but have seen close friends and family loose their parents and I have lost grandparents.  You no longer have that personal you most trust to go to for advise or for just a sounding board.  You do not have a mother on mother's day, and that is the weekend when I lost my daughter Kayla so I know how hard and lonely that is.  Who do you call?  The lost is so different it seems to me it maybe harder.  Even though I have such a empty hole in my heart and arms that never seems to be filled, I wander if the loss of parent would be harder?  Then there is watching your child go through a sickness or extreme pain.  Would that be harder?  I feel, Yes!  At least for me it has been.  See our son, Taylen who is 9 is going through some surgeries because of a condition he was born with.  He has been dealing with this since birth.  See he has serve constipation.  We tried everything to correct his problem, but nothing seemed to help.  So the doctors finally decided to dig a little deeper into his problem.  Which included many test and surgeries.  He so far has had about six surgeries I have lost count at this point.  I am sure he could tell you.  I try not to think about it.  It just breaks my heart too much remembering all the pain and worry over the years.  Because at one point they thought he had cancer, because they had found a spot in his bowls and did blood test and the cells were high.  So they did a bi-opsy, but then those test were fine.
I know it was because of prayer and the Lord's healing hand.  He has been tested for other things too some rare.  Then it did end up being something very rare.  He does not have enough muscle tone to push out his bowl and part of his bowl is so stretched out that it may die or even burst because it is so thin from always being to full.  They have put a tube through his belly button so that we can add fluid through that every night to flush him out, then he must remain on the stool for 40 min.  We had almost lost him during this surgery.  The surgery went well even though his bowl was very thin.  But after the surgery they need to check to see if it was successful so when need to do a flush at the hospital, this is also to teach Troy and I how to do this, even though Troy was not there.   They said that it only would take 400ml for his age and size 78lbs .  Even though now today he only weighs 60 lbs. So we put 400 ml of fluid in him and nothing came out.  So then the next day the doctor came in and said that sometimes it does take a little more for some kids so we will increase it to 700 ml, remember he still has 400 ml in him (total of 1100 ml).  Still with no results.  The doctor came in the next day,  seemed a little more concerned,  but just increase the fluid again this time to 900 ml, (total 2000 ml).  Still again with no results and by this time Taylen was in a lot of pain.  They has always wanted him to rate his pain from a 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst even after the surgery he never rated his pain higher than a 3, but now he rated it at a 9. So I know he was in a lot of pain.  They decided they needed to take some pictures to see what was going on.  They told me that it was going to be high risk to put more fluid in him, but they needed to see what the problem was.  They were going to add another 1000 ml plus some dye and a coating that would help the stole to move out.  The dye was going to show them the movement and amount needed.  This is where they found out that he had the enlarged bowl and why he needed so much more fluid to move he stool.  They had so many people in there watching him I could not believe the care and attention they gave him.  They had aloud me to be in there with him too.  That was hard for me, but helped him to make him feel more safe.  Just like when we know that our heavenly Father arms always there and He will never leave us.  And I know it is hard for Him sometimes to watch us go through somethings too.  Because He weeped tiers of blood for you and me.  So then we waited and hoped and prayed.  I thank all of those who prayed on his behalf that day and all the other times.  Finally late that evening he was able to pass a lot of stool, with great pain and sweat.  He was so wore out and tiered.  He said "Mom just hold me, please."  I  so thankful the people at Reiley and the prayers of all who we love very much.  They care that Taylen received was very good.  He goes down again tomorrow for one more surgery and hopefully this will be the last one.  They said they will continue to watch his bowl that is stretched out, but they are looking for it too go back down to regular size over the years with us keeping him flushed out and that his muscles will get stronger and in about seven years he could be able to remove the tube.  It also could be as early as two years but more than not because of it being so serve.  So I guess that would be another surgery, but that is down the road.  And then if his bowl does not shrink back down or ends up dying that would be another surgery, but we will face that when it comes.  So for now it is in the Lord's hands.  But that is where we should always leave it.  Isn't that right?  So for me... watch your child suffer through pain and illness may just be harder than loosing them.  Because I know that Seth, Sierra, and Kayla and all the rest are safe in the arms of Jesus.  "In His Hands"  as it said at last years bible school, so fitting for me.
Psalm 71:1
In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust: let me never be put to confusion. 2 Deliver me in thy righteousness, and cause me to escape:  incline thine ear unto me, and save me. 3 Be thou my strong habitation, whereunto I may continually resort:  thou hast given commandment to save me;  for thou art my rock and my fortress. 4 Deliver me, O my God, out of the hand of the unrighteous and cruel man.  5 For thou art my hope, O Lord God:  thou art my trust from my youth.

This was one of Kayla's favorite passages.  I just felt like sharing at this time.

My second thought for today.  May be a little harder to put down in words.  It is a question I heard asked and yes, one I asked of myself too.  How could you of left your daughter in there?  I would of never left my daughter in a fire!  Well of course, not.  Who would?  What do people think I am crazy or something.  Well, yeah, maybe. Well let me tell you, I would have not left my daughter under any normal situation that would bring her harm.  But this was not normal this was panic and scary and fear and just plain I don't know... just let me try to tell you. The darkness that surrounds you.  And when all you can it the bright flames trying to consume you and your children.  The smoke that is taking every breath you have.  And not knowing which way to turn and not knowing where your children are?  Trying to find them in the pitch black darkness trying to remember where things are located while your heart is racing knowing you have very little time to get out. Know that the fire is near and blocking your way out.  You can barely see the street light and feeling that is your only way out and that is where the fire is moving towards, but also getting closer to where you are standing and you have to go back in to the bedroom and get your infant son, which in the panic I almost forgot if it was not for my daughter's remembrance of him.  Then with a very reluctant daughter we made our way through the darkness and smoke with the flames near.  The heat was very intense.  Then when we finally made it to the door it would not open.  It was locked.  It was a spring loaded lock which you need to use to hands to open.  I was not able to hold on to both children at the sametime and open the door.  So I let go of Kayla not thinking she would get scared and run off.  I thought she would stay close with me,  but she panic and ran off.  Now I know I should have know that, because she had kept on saying we needed to go to the bathroom to be safe that going to the door was the wrong way because the fire was near.  She was scared I could hear it in her voice.   That will haunt me all the days of my life.  Even though I know that the angles were with her and she is with Jesus now.  That because of me she was so afraid maybe I made the the wrong choice but I made the only choice I seen at the time.  All I could see was the streetlight the only was out.  It was the first thing I seen after I seen there was a fire in the house.  It was the way I was facing.  I was not turned towards the bathroom.  The front door seemed close, but yet so far away.  I all happened so fast one can look back now and say you should have done this and should have done this but you do not know unless you go through it.  Just like when we were trying to get back in I tried opening the door after it slammed shut behind me.  The vacaumm shut it. Many of us tried going back in.  I bust the window in the door with my hands then reach in then opened the door and tried crawling in, but it was just too hot.  You say you would have gone in no matter what.  Well there were others who tried but who could not, even the firefighters could not stay in very long with their equipment on even, because the fire was so hot. I do not know how long it took them to find Kayla but it did seem like forever. They were able to find her and rushed to hospital but you the rest.  But maybe you do not what about the healing process? That was yet to still come.  Not just the physical but the emotions.  So does that answer the question would I have left my daughter?  I hope you came up with the answer NO.  That phrase just as with other phrases can always cause a great burden.  One's such as "She is better off now",  "It is God's will","It was for the best; she will not have to suffer here on earth".  Yes, it is true that Kayla is in Heaven and she is better off there than here. Yes, since we worship a sovereign God, an argument can be made that this was God's will.  Yes, Kayla will not have no more suffering.  But then how are we to express are pain?  Are we a burden if we express are pain?  Sometimes I would feel I was.  The truth was "I hurt more than I ever imagined possible." ; "I feel abandoned and lonely"; "I miss her so much that I wish it  was me instead of her who died in the fire".  Those phases help now but after the healing came.  I needed to grief first.    Psalm 119:76 Let, I pray thee, thy merciful kindness be for my comfort, according to thy word unto thy servant.