Tuesday, February 14, 2012

the loss of love

Today on Valentine's Day, I feel like I have lost love.  I think back at so much love I am missing out on.  The love of my dad,  the love of Kayla and all of my other children, but then I think.  Brenda... God must really really love you, because He trust you with all this.  He has trusted that you would be faithful to Him. Yea, I have questioned Him and asked, Why?  But I have always stayed by Him and known He is there and has stood beside me and carried me through every trail and every heart ache.  Even when Taylen had to go through his illness.  God was there.  So sure I am missing a lot of time with Kayla.  A lot of things I will not get to share with her,  which breaks my heart everyday.  But I must remember and hold on to the time that I did have with her.  They are precious times.  She was always Gods child.  They all are Gods children.  Not ours to decide what to do with.  We need to hand over the steering wheel right away to God. He needs to be in the drivers seat not us the parent but God.  We need to just guide and direct and follow the rules in which God has laid out for us to follow along with.  That is something that my father always taught me.  I was Gods child and I needed to follow Gods rules.  They were the rules that our house was ran by.  That is mostly why I miss my dad because he was so straight forward and you always knew where he stood.  He also was a jokester.  He could always make you laugh even when you were down and feeling blue.  He always had a story to tell, but was also a great listener.  He was well Loved.  Greatly missed!  So today as you remember your loved ones that are here with you, I reflect on the ones I have lost.  But now my mind does wander off to my loved ones here on earth with me.  Johnathan and Taylen,  Kayla's brothers.  They pain I have to witness in their eyes haunts me.  Just as it haunts me wandering how Kayla felt those last moments in the fire or the moments before when she ran from my grip.  I need to reach out to them and give them the love they deserve the love they need and miss.  They lost someone too.  God give me the wisdom and strength to lead them through this life to you.  I hand them over to you,  They are your's Dear Heavenly Father.  I challenge all of you to say this prayer to God.  To hand over your children to God.  He knows they our his but do you?  I was not always willing to give God the steering wheel when it came to my kids.  I wanted the control.  I knew what was best.  Have you ever felt that way?  We just need to completely hand them over right from the start and everything will be ok.  We will know everything is God's will. We will not have to question anything.  I am not saying nothing bad will,  because that is not the case with me.  I would say that prayer as soon as I knew I pregnant and then I miscarried.  I knew then it was God's will.  Or just what ever happened in my kids lives if I continued to ask for God's direction then I know it is God's.  I just need to let him have the wheel and I follow.  I do have to say that with Taylen my youngest It was hard for me to give him to the Lord. And I feel because of that maybe he has suffered .  He was born with a birth defect and suffer a lot pain because of that.  I have finally been able to give him over to the Lord but He had to break me down.  It was hard.  I did not want to give him up or lose him.  I sometimes think he is the only thing that kept me going after Kayla's death.  I will tell you more about Taylen's birth defect some other time.  Today is getting late is see.  My little Taylen will be home soon.  Happy Valentine's Day