Tuesday, February 14, 2012

the loss of love

Today on Valentine's Day, I feel like I have lost love.  I think back at so much love I am missing out on.  The love of my dad,  the love of Kayla and all of my other children, but then I think.  Brenda... God must really really love you, because He trust you with all this.  He has trusted that you would be faithful to Him. Yea, I have questioned Him and asked, Why?  But I have always stayed by Him and known He is there and has stood beside me and carried me through every trail and every heart ache.  Even when Taylen had to go through his illness.  God was there.  So sure I am missing a lot of time with Kayla.  A lot of things I will not get to share with her,  which breaks my heart everyday.  But I must remember and hold on to the time that I did have with her.  They are precious times.  She was always Gods child.  They all are Gods children.  Not ours to decide what to do with.  We need to hand over the steering wheel right away to God. He needs to be in the drivers seat not us the parent but God.  We need to just guide and direct and follow the rules in which God has laid out for us to follow along with.  That is something that my father always taught me.  I was Gods child and I needed to follow Gods rules.  They were the rules that our house was ran by.  That is mostly why I miss my dad because he was so straight forward and you always knew where he stood.  He also was a jokester.  He could always make you laugh even when you were down and feeling blue.  He always had a story to tell, but was also a great listener.  He was well Loved.  Greatly missed!  So today as you remember your loved ones that are here with you, I reflect on the ones I have lost.  But now my mind does wander off to my loved ones here on earth with me.  Johnathan and Taylen,  Kayla's brothers.  They pain I have to witness in their eyes haunts me.  Just as it haunts me wandering how Kayla felt those last moments in the fire or the moments before when she ran from my grip.  I need to reach out to them and give them the love they deserve the love they need and miss.  They lost someone too.  God give me the wisdom and strength to lead them through this life to you.  I hand them over to you,  They are your's Dear Heavenly Father.  I challenge all of you to say this prayer to God.  To hand over your children to God.  He knows they our his but do you?  I was not always willing to give God the steering wheel when it came to my kids.  I wanted the control.  I knew what was best.  Have you ever felt that way?  We just need to completely hand them over right from the start and everything will be ok.  We will know everything is God's will. We will not have to question anything.  I am not saying nothing bad will,  because that is not the case with me.  I would say that prayer as soon as I knew I pregnant and then I miscarried.  I knew then it was God's will.  Or just what ever happened in my kids lives if I continued to ask for God's direction then I know it is God's.  I just need to let him have the wheel and I follow.  I do have to say that with Taylen my youngest It was hard for me to give him to the Lord. And I feel because of that maybe he has suffered .  He was born with a birth defect and suffer a lot pain because of that.  I have finally been able to give him over to the Lord but He had to break me down.  It was hard.  I did not want to give him up or lose him.  I sometimes think he is the only thing that kept me going after Kayla's death.  I will tell you more about Taylen's birth defect some other time.  Today is getting late is see.  My little Taylen will be home soon.  Happy Valentine's Day

Sunday, September 11, 2011

The loss of a parent

I have mention before about what I felt about the difference maybe between the feelings of a loss of a child verses a parent.  Well guess what? God has given me my own feelings on that matter, now.  I just recently lost my father to an accident.  He fell down the basement stairs at his home.  My mom found him.  At the time they thought all he did was broke his wrist and had a few bumps and bruises.  But with in a couple of hours it showed up that he had internal injuries and bleeding and a hemorrhage  on the brain.  There was nothing they could do for him and he soon passed on.  My family put him on life support for me.  I was away on vacation when this all happen.  That way I could get back home to say good bye.  I believe, and have heard it said before that the hearing is the last to go. I do believe this is true.  I was able to talk to him and I sang him some songs.  I sang the song that I sang to Kayla when she had died.  It was the song that always calmed here when she was a baby and one that she would always go around the house as a child singing.  "You are my Sunshine"  Which at my dad's funeral I came to find out that there are different versions of the song out there.  Ones that just do not fit for someone who has just died.  And they played the wrong one at my dad's funeral, but anyhow it was still a lovely service and remembrance besides all that.  After I had finished singing to my dad "you are my sunshine" is just when he took his last breath.  I will always remember that.  It seems he was meant to hear it.
      What I feel the difference between the loss of a child and parent now may have change from before,  because now of my experience.  The loss of my dad has left me feeling like I have lost my connection with the world and I has given me a more greater need to go to heaven and a longing to be there.  My children had given me that longing but not the total lost of connection. Like my strong hold is gone.  My foundation.  God is whom I lean on for everything and He is my strong hold and foundation who I build my life on, but my dad I do not know how to describe what I mean my dad being that to me too.  Maybe that I used him a lot for a sounding board for thoughts and feelings and ideas.  He was really the one person that was always there for me during Kayla's death.  He knew how hard I tried to save her, because he was right there beside me trying to get back into the house too.  It just was just too hot,  but he was still fighting to go in and firefighters had to pull him out, just as they had to do to me.  But still a newspaper had written differently.  My dad always new differently and he could always keep Satan from telling me otherwise. My helped me in so many other ways too.  He gave me a lot of good advise most of all in how to treat others and how to view life.  My dad had lost his sight and he still loved God and life and did not complain about his situation. He was always wanted to give to others that always spoke to me.  That no matter what God gives us or does not give us we should always be thankful and always looking out for others seeing how we can give to others.  He always found someone that could use some help and he was always willing to help them.  I heard story after story from people that came to his viewing.  I wander why God would take such a good helper away so young.  He was only 69.  He has 3 young grandson,  4 great,  6 older grandchildren and many nieces and nephews.  I know I wander the same about Kayla she was a great light for his kingdom also.  A bright and shining star.  I do not know if mom could even find flaws with my dad.  They always seemed so in love and were a great example of two people in love.  I did see disagreements but that which were handled in a healthily loving way.  I am still at the question stage of my dad's death.  The pain is deep. I still see him sitting in his chair visiting with me giving me advise or just telling me one of his long stories about the past of him. (they always had a moral at the end) Then I wander how my family is dealing with the loss.  Troy,  Johnathan, and Taylen and then there is my mom.  How have all lives been affected? I have been spending a lot of more time at my moms than I normally did.  She seems to be doing a little better than she was a first but one thing I have noticed is that she is maybe getting a little absent minded or forgetful.  Or  at the least she does miss place things and forgets that she told you something already.  I know if this is something to worry about or not but I hope she is coping ok.  I know it must be lonely.  I know how empty my arms felt after Kayla died.  How lonely must a spouse feel?

Friday, March 18, 2011


  I just picked up the scholarship applications for the memory of Kayla and our other children, but we base it on Kayla's personality and interest.  We are only able to do this with the help of our many friends and families.  I try to narrow the chooses down to three then the ACCF will pick one. This year we have 15 to choose from.  It is really hard.  They are all so deserving and I am always afraid of hurting someone.  Then I am I choosing the right one to honor Kayla's memory?  Just from a few questions on a piece of paper.  They are very personal questions and seem to help in letting us get to know the kind of things we need to know.  Like... Kayla loved to read, so we ask about a book or author.  They also have to tell us of there family.  We want to know how they view there family.  Kayla loved being around family and held us together.  She always wanted to make sure we ate dinner together and things like that.  We look at the kinds of activities they choose to be en voled in.  Last but least I just try to feel how they come across on who they are, what type of person and that is the hardest.  What also comes into play is that because this is such a small community I have ran into many times where I know they children very well and there parents.  Then what do I do?  How do I choose?  Is this person going to understand why I did not choose them?  Are they going to understand that I have to get ACCF to pick them not just me?  I just can't just choose everyone either. I sure would like to!  There has been many times that is has been so difficult and close in the chose. Maybe you are wandering would a boy even try to apply.  The answer is yes.  Because let me tell you it has come down between the last three and it is most often a boy in there.  Just choosing a young person for this brings up so many fond memories of Kayla.  I need to think of who would Kayla pick?  Who would she be friends with? I think about the things she talked about doing in the future.  She wanted to help kids, be around kids, she enjoyed also being around the elderly going to nursing homes and helping out there,  she was very good with arts and crafts, so I seen her maybe going into some kind of art classes. She played softball,  she was in dance,  she was very much enjoyed Bible School and other church activities.  And talked about someday going to help out over seas in Africa with children as a doctor.  She also wanted to find out the reason for SIDS. So she was very interested in the research field of medicine.  She also had talked about teaching children along with being a doctor.  She very head strong and smart. She most likely could of done both.  And I am sure she would of used her gift of sign landuage  along the way.  God had given Kayla so many talents it is so hard sometimes to wander why He has seemed to let them go to waste.  But I know in my heart that He did not!  I have faith that every heart that she touch and every heart she is still touching is what is important.  Those our her talents.  Her heart and the love that she shared with everyone she was around was the greatest gift.  The out pouring of love that we have felt from family and friends and even people I did not even know, was a testament of Kayla's life.  And I am for ever in awe of the love.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Two thoughts

  I have two thoughts for today that have been on my mind for sometime.  The first one is....well, most people always say that loosing a child must be the hardest pain to bare.  I had thought that at the time of loosing my children, but not maybe now.  Because I have seen some things and been through some things and maybe it has given me some new perspective on things.  One thing is loosing one's parent.  That has to be hard. I personally have not lost my parents, but have seen close friends and family loose their parents and I have lost grandparents.  You no longer have that personal you most trust to go to for advise or for just a sounding board.  You do not have a mother on mother's day, and that is the weekend when I lost my daughter Kayla so I know how hard and lonely that is.  Who do you call?  The lost is so different it seems to me it maybe harder.  Even though I have such a empty hole in my heart and arms that never seems to be filled, I wander if the loss of parent would be harder?  Then there is watching your child go through a sickness or extreme pain.  Would that be harder?  I feel, Yes!  At least for me it has been.  See our son, Taylen who is 9 is going through some surgeries because of a condition he was born with.  He has been dealing with this since birth.  See he has serve constipation.  We tried everything to correct his problem, but nothing seemed to help.  So the doctors finally decided to dig a little deeper into his problem.  Which included many test and surgeries.  He so far has had about six surgeries I have lost count at this point.  I am sure he could tell you.  I try not to think about it.  It just breaks my heart too much remembering all the pain and worry over the years.  Because at one point they thought he had cancer, because they had found a spot in his bowls and did blood test and the cells were high.  So they did a bi-opsy, but then those test were fine.
I know it was because of prayer and the Lord's healing hand.  He has been tested for other things too some rare.  Then it did end up being something very rare.  He does not have enough muscle tone to push out his bowl and part of his bowl is so stretched out that it may die or even burst because it is so thin from always being to full.  They have put a tube through his belly button so that we can add fluid through that every night to flush him out, then he must remain on the stool for 40 min.  We had almost lost him during this surgery.  The surgery went well even though his bowl was very thin.  But after the surgery they need to check to see if it was successful so when need to do a flush at the hospital, this is also to teach Troy and I how to do this, even though Troy was not there.   They said that it only would take 400ml for his age and size 78lbs .  Even though now today he only weighs 60 lbs. So we put 400 ml of fluid in him and nothing came out.  So then the next day the doctor came in and said that sometimes it does take a little more for some kids so we will increase it to 700 ml, remember he still has 400 ml in him (total of 1100 ml).  Still with no results.  The doctor came in the next day,  seemed a little more concerned,  but just increase the fluid again this time to 900 ml, (total 2000 ml).  Still again with no results and by this time Taylen was in a lot of pain.  They has always wanted him to rate his pain from a 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst even after the surgery he never rated his pain higher than a 3, but now he rated it at a 9. So I know he was in a lot of pain.  They decided they needed to take some pictures to see what was going on.  They told me that it was going to be high risk to put more fluid in him, but they needed to see what the problem was.  They were going to add another 1000 ml plus some dye and a coating that would help the stole to move out.  The dye was going to show them the movement and amount needed.  This is where they found out that he had the enlarged bowl and why he needed so much more fluid to move he stool.  They had so many people in there watching him I could not believe the care and attention they gave him.  They had aloud me to be in there with him too.  That was hard for me, but helped him to make him feel more safe.  Just like when we know that our heavenly Father arms always there and He will never leave us.  And I know it is hard for Him sometimes to watch us go through somethings too.  Because He weeped tiers of blood for you and me.  So then we waited and hoped and prayed.  I thank all of those who prayed on his behalf that day and all the other times.  Finally late that evening he was able to pass a lot of stool, with great pain and sweat.  He was so wore out and tiered.  He said "Mom just hold me, please."  I  so thankful the people at Reiley and the prayers of all who we love very much.  They care that Taylen received was very good.  He goes down again tomorrow for one more surgery and hopefully this will be the last one.  They said they will continue to watch his bowl that is stretched out, but they are looking for it too go back down to regular size over the years with us keeping him flushed out and that his muscles will get stronger and in about seven years he could be able to remove the tube.  It also could be as early as two years but more than not because of it being so serve.  So I guess that would be another surgery, but that is down the road.  And then if his bowl does not shrink back down or ends up dying that would be another surgery, but we will face that when it comes.  So for now it is in the Lord's hands.  But that is where we should always leave it.  Isn't that right?  So for me... watch your child suffer through pain and illness may just be harder than loosing them.  Because I know that Seth, Sierra, and Kayla and all the rest are safe in the arms of Jesus.  "In His Hands"  as it said at last years bible school, so fitting for me.
Psalm 71:1
In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust: let me never be put to confusion. 2 Deliver me in thy righteousness, and cause me to escape:  incline thine ear unto me, and save me. 3 Be thou my strong habitation, whereunto I may continually resort:  thou hast given commandment to save me;  for thou art my rock and my fortress. 4 Deliver me, O my God, out of the hand of the unrighteous and cruel man.  5 For thou art my hope, O Lord God:  thou art my trust from my youth.

This was one of Kayla's favorite passages.  I just felt like sharing at this time.

My second thought for today.  May be a little harder to put down in words.  It is a question I heard asked and yes, one I asked of myself too.  How could you of left your daughter in there?  I would of never left my daughter in a fire!  Well of course, not.  Who would?  What do people think I am crazy or something.  Well, yeah, maybe. Well let me tell you, I would have not left my daughter under any normal situation that would bring her harm.  But this was not normal this was panic and scary and fear and just plain I don't know... just let me try to tell you. The darkness that surrounds you.  And when all you can it the bright flames trying to consume you and your children.  The smoke that is taking every breath you have.  And not knowing which way to turn and not knowing where your children are?  Trying to find them in the pitch black darkness trying to remember where things are located while your heart is racing knowing you have very little time to get out. Know that the fire is near and blocking your way out.  You can barely see the street light and feeling that is your only way out and that is where the fire is moving towards, but also getting closer to where you are standing and you have to go back in to the bedroom and get your infant son, which in the panic I almost forgot if it was not for my daughter's remembrance of him.  Then with a very reluctant daughter we made our way through the darkness and smoke with the flames near.  The heat was very intense.  Then when we finally made it to the door it would not open.  It was locked.  It was a spring loaded lock which you need to use to hands to open.  I was not able to hold on to both children at the sametime and open the door.  So I let go of Kayla not thinking she would get scared and run off.  I thought she would stay close with me,  but she panic and ran off.  Now I know I should have know that, because she had kept on saying we needed to go to the bathroom to be safe that going to the door was the wrong way because the fire was near.  She was scared I could hear it in her voice.   That will haunt me all the days of my life.  Even though I know that the angles were with her and she is with Jesus now.  That because of me she was so afraid maybe I made the the wrong choice but I made the only choice I seen at the time.  All I could see was the streetlight the only was out.  It was the first thing I seen after I seen there was a fire in the house.  It was the way I was facing.  I was not turned towards the bathroom.  The front door seemed close, but yet so far away.  I all happened so fast one can look back now and say you should have done this and should have done this but you do not know unless you go through it.  Just like when we were trying to get back in I tried opening the door after it slammed shut behind me.  The vacaumm shut it. Many of us tried going back in.  I bust the window in the door with my hands then reach in then opened the door and tried crawling in, but it was just too hot.  You say you would have gone in no matter what.  Well there were others who tried but who could not, even the firefighters could not stay in very long with their equipment on even, because the fire was so hot. I do not know how long it took them to find Kayla but it did seem like forever. They were able to find her and rushed to hospital but you the rest.  But maybe you do not what about the healing process? That was yet to still come.  Not just the physical but the emotions.  So does that answer the question would I have left my daughter?  I hope you came up with the answer NO.  That phrase just as with other phrases can always cause a great burden.  One's such as "She is better off now",  "It is God's will","It was for the best; she will not have to suffer here on earth".  Yes, it is true that Kayla is in Heaven and she is better off there than here. Yes, since we worship a sovereign God, an argument can be made that this was God's will.  Yes, Kayla will not have no more suffering.  But then how are we to express are pain?  Are we a burden if we express are pain?  Sometimes I would feel I was.  The truth was "I hurt more than I ever imagined possible." ; "I feel abandoned and lonely"; "I miss her so much that I wish it  was me instead of her who died in the fire".  Those phases help now but after the healing came.  I needed to grief first.    Psalm 119:76 Let, I pray thee, thy merciful kindness be for my comfort, according to thy word unto thy servant.

Monday, January 17, 2011

A New Year

  A new year and a whole new year full of memories.  What is yet to come and what has already been?  God has surly been there for us.  My 45th birthday is this week and with that brings a lot of memories.  See the 20th is when Sierra was due even though she was born early on October 10th.  I still think of her birthday as possibly on the same day as mine. If you remember she was stillborn on Oct. 10th.  So every year when my birthday comes around I think about that I could be celebrating it with my daughter.  This year she would be 15. What a fun age!  So many things I have missed as a mom doing with a daughter, since now I have only boys.  Boys are great, too. But there is just a special bond between a mom and daughter just things you can only know if you have a daughter.  Come to think of it, it is just like that of a repenting heart.  You can not describe it.  The feeling is just wonderful and special.  There was so many hopes and dreams I had for each of my daughters.  Kayla had talked of plans she had for the future.  I can here her now saying as I brushed her hair how she wanted to be doctor and someday find out what happened to Seth.  Find the answers about SIDS.  She had such a carrying heart for children and enjoyed being around the elderly also.   Sometimes I need to watch out that I do not get jealous of other mothers who have daughters with them.  I look around and there are others who have their daughters with them and they do not realize how special that is and now the one that are Kayla's age are getting married and having children OH what a beautiful blessing!  These things are so heart wrenching to watch.  Do not get me wrong I am so happy for them but I still wonder why not me?  God knows what he is doing.  Just as with my sweet little Taylen. This week he is facing some hard things. He will be going to Riley Hospital for a MACE surgery.  This is a very intensive surgery.  We do know God will be with the surgeons but it is still hard to see your child go through all the shots and things they have to do to him to prepare him for the surgery.  Then when they wheel him away from you into the surgery and you do not know if he will return to you or not. You just have to believe.  That is the hard part.  He has already been through this a few other times but it still does not get any easier and this time he will be under longer than the other times.  Just to say the least,  I am a little at my wits end right now.  I know what you are saying right now,  just what I am telling my self.  Get on your knees, look in the word,  you will find the strength.  God has always brought me through before.  Just as He can bring anyone through any trail.  You just have to ask and search for the answers.

Sunday, December 26, 2010


      Christmas through the years has been difficult, but has been filled with it's own special memories just like every Christmas has before.  The ones since Kayla's death have lost something, which I have been afraid to share until now.  But at Christmas service, at church Ed Schwartz our elder spoke about how Christmas was lost its meaning to him or maybe more like it doesn't quit have the same spark it had once before his son's accident.  See his son had a serious accident and spent a lot of time in hospital around Christmas and that was very draining on Ed and he somewhat felt alone not saying that the prayers and love and support of friends and family but you do somewhat feel alone no matter what and it just can not be helped in that circumstance. I feel it was very brave of him to admit this. But then it helps me to be able to tell you that I have these same feelings.  It is so hard to celebrate  the birth of Christ when you have the a sick child or like me a death of a child.  But then I try to remember that Christ was in a perfect home and He left that home in Heaven for me and... my child.  To come to a world of sin and darkness.  And my child is with him now in that perfect home.  That is why I do love to celebrate Easter most of all, even though is the last holiday I spent with Seth and Kayla.  It is a day to celebrate life a new beginnings to me. I  look at Christmas as memories and looking into the past and that is hard.  Because then I look at what might have been if... And that is even harder.  Looking at old Christmas pictures of Kayla, seeing how much she enjoyed being with family.  Her smile so big, you can almost hear her laughter through the pages.  How much she appreciated each and every gift she received and she was also a very giving child.  Now, she had the magic and love for Christmas in her heart.  Matter of fact, she probably had enough for everyone around her.  Jesus love was defiantly in her soul.  She new the Christmas story very well and new where it ended up at (at the cross).  This was a lot from her own studying of the Bible.  She loved to read and then talk about it with me.  It sure was heart warming for me to have such a young child so interested in the Bible.  Sometimes I wandered if God was preparing her, so she would not be frightened when she meet the angles.  Because, I want to tell something.  In the spot where the firemen found Kayla,
it was not burt and she was not, but everything around her was black and melted and chard.  I believe, no I know,  there was an Angel there with her.  Protecting her and leading her Home to the Heavenly Father, and if she had not read so much maybe she would have been afraid.  Because a lot of times in the Bible when people would see an Angel they would be afraid and I feel that the Lord did not want Kayla to be afraid since she was a child.  He loves children, He wants us all to come to Him like little children and not be afraid.