Friday, October 29, 2010

Kayla's Birth and John's and ....

Kayla's pregnancy was pretty normal except for a few extra trips to the hospital for false labor.  I was some what nervous and maybe over concerned, but the doctor was understanding of it.  She was born healthy and full term on July 12th, 1990. She had blue eyes and alot of black hair with a blonde spot in the back, which added to her personality.  She was a very calm and good baby.  She slept the whole night the first night home and then on.  She was grew into a very happy girl. She always had a smile for everyone and her laughter and song filled the air at home.  I sure do miss hearing those sounds through the house. She also played the flute which was like hearing a bird singing in the morning.  She was well liked by many which was apparent upon her death.  I was over whelmed by all the support we received. God was faithful.  Kayla was an avaide reader. She did very well in school even though some girls chose to pick on her.  She continued to read daily in her Bible and always "Let her Light shine". Pslasm was a favorite book of hers. She found it to up lifting. She would sometimes come to me with questions about it. She was very artistic and enjoyed doing many crafts. She was always wanting to please you., and was very helpful. God had given me a wonderful gift even if it was for just for such a short time.  I thank Him for such a wonderful Blessing everyday!
          Then just in just a few 14 months along came another wonderful Blessing from God. Johnathan!  He was born on September 24th, 1991.  It was a perfect little family , a wonderful little girl and special little boy.  John had a little more energy than Kayla but he did not speak much for himself. Kayla did all his talking for him and if you wanted to know what was going on with John in his life you needed to ask Kayla.  Because Johnathan would not share with you.  John did not have many friends.  He mainly kept to himself.  Johnathan is very gifted in school.  He sometimes chose not to apply himself, but he could do it if he tried. I know I am his mom and you might think I am bias but he is very talented, a writer and musician. Troy and I were very blessed to have such wonderful bright children. I sometimes think maybe we were being greedy by wanting more children, since God had given us two gifts already.  Because my next two pregnancy were miscarriages. They were both happened in the first trimester. The doctor suggested us not to get pregnant again because we possible would have some kind of birth defect and that is why I was having so many miscarriages.  Because at this point I have had 4.  But before we could decide what to do I became pregnant. This time it was all going well, but at about 5 months I felt something was wrong. So on my appointment I begged for a ultra sound, since at that time Troy and I did not have insurance, the doctor did not want to give me one. Finally after some crying and me telling him I was not leaving until he gave me one he scheduled one right away that day.  Troy was able to come in right away he brought Kayla and Johnathan with him we thought they would enjoy seeing the baby.  Kayla was 5 and John was 4. They were very excited to finally see the baby they were real good pictures for that time. You could see she was a girl and when Johnathan said hi to her she waved back.  That made it very special to him.  He has a very sensitive heart. But then a couple of days later a call came and the hospital said they had made an appt. for us at IU woman center in Indy, IN I was confused the doctor did not say any about this or that there was anything wrong. I wanted an explaination. What was going on.? Well they said that doctor down at IU would explain what they were going to do. What? I was confused?  This was my baby you were talking about.  But they would not tell me anything.  So the next morning I went down to Indy.  We sat in the waiting room wandering what was going to happen?  The nurse came in and said " Well, we first will come in here in get a look at the baby before going into surgery."  What?  then she was just as surprised as we were that we had not been informed what was going on.  So she said she would contact the doctor there and see what he wanted to do.  He ended up coming in talking to us after a long wait. He had called our doctor in Bluffton and yelled at him for not informing us.  This was a very invasive prosedure. They had planned on going into the uterus and turning her heart to unplug a valve that was being pinch because her heart was tilted and repearing a hole in her heart which was large if possible., or they might have to leave that go until after birth.  When they did the ultra sound in Bluffton she had seemed to be developing a good and strong rate.  with everything that was wrong she was doing very well. The doctor at IU said they just needed our consent and they would go ahead with it.  He explain all that could go wrong and everything and we said ok it was worth it to go ahead.  So first he said we need to have an ultra sound to determin  where he exactly he was going to enter and what all he needed to do and how it all looked.  But when the nurse was looking at Sierra Sky she got that look which I had had became to filimiliar with. She turned the screen way from us and said she needed to get the doctor.  and of course the doctor returned and had that dreaded words your daughter has died. It had only been within an couple of hours or so he said.  I do not know if I wanted to know that or not.  I slowly got dressed after the shock of just what happened passed.  They gave us a choose whether or not to deliver her there or to drive back to Bluffton and deliver.  This was on a Thursday, so we  decided to go to Bluffton. Troy wanted to be close to family and friends. I am more of a loner so I just wanted to stay there and get it over with.  It would have been a lot easier on me if we did stay in Indy because when we got back to Bluffton the doctor said he would not do it until Monday. So I had to carry my baby which had died another 4 days.  That also made a more difficult delivery.  I was very sick during labor and would not stop bleeding and my blood pressure dropped. It was close.  We had a small funeral for her. I was able to hold her. She had all her fingers and toes. her fingers were so long and tiny and sometimes think that maybe she may have been a great piano player. She had the start of a little black hair in back if she went full term I am sure she would have had a lot. At the grave side it was so hard to leave such a little soul just wrapped in a blanket , but then I had to watch my brave little son Johnathan clinging to stay beside to grave side. He was holding onto his big brother's stone (Seth's). He did not want to leave he said he did not get to say good bye we never took him or Kayla to the hospital to see her. Now we know we should of. She was real to them and there sister. She had said hi to them by waving at them and they never got to wave good bye. That weighs heavy on my heart.  We all need to remember that we need to include the children in the grieving process too.  Their hearts are maybe more sensitive to it more than us.  Our lives are made up of rules . Unfortunately, few of us are ever taught how to grieve. Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

What is the purpose for this?

God has put us each together for a purpose.  We each compliment each other.  God knows who is best for me who would work best for me.  God chose Troy for me.  That is the only way this could of worked out. We were put together is such an odd way it could of only been God working in our lives.  And God is the only one who has held us together ever since., after 25 years of marriage.  There has been many trails and temtations along the way but God has brought us through it all.

      One day going through Kayla's things I came across a poem she had written I do not know for what or who she was thinking of or for what purpose it was for but here it is...

                       When the butterfly comes Fluttering by
                                I can't help but think of You
                                 Your laughter feels the air
                               I see you dancing on the clouds
                                   God whispers in the wind
                                    I will meet you in the sky
                        When the butterflies come fluttering by....

I know now why God kept Troy and I together and placed us in each others arms, it was for His better purpose.  I look at the children we have had and that God has placed in our lives and I marvel at His wonderous works.  The miscarriages the stillborn and even the deaths as a child for whom before we could ever know them - their possibilities, their presence and their purpose - they were gone. But I assure you that there is Hope.   Even with tears, pain, some bitterness, and even questions - a stillborn, a miscarred, or early death child can bring a few moments in Gods word there is Hope.  And for those among us who have never known such pain, failure or grief, my hope is that an enlargement of heart may occour.  Because sometimes there was this saying even I know well intended, it is unscriptural and insensitive idea so sincerely spoken at funerals or said to me at death of my children is that God somehow knew better and that He took back the life He had earlier given from heaven. However well intended the thought, God didn't and doesn't take babies because He needs them in heaven. The pain and problem of death exist on this planet because humainty has broken its trust with the treasure of life. Just as in Psalm 139 God knows everything nothing was hid from Him, even when having a stillborn and miscarriages I always wondered where did everything start forming, because when I would lose my children or hold them there in my hand crying, I would look at them and see the wonders of God's works,  I could see the form of little limbs or slits for the eyes a little nub for the nose what would be?  Because in the third week the lobes of the brain are distinguishable; in the fourth week the head and face are recognizable and the heart starts to beat; during weeks five and six, the eyes are identifiable, and legs are putting on flesh and muscle; in the eighth week, the baby 's sex can be identified and the baby can begin to turn it's head, squint, frown, make a fist and even get the hiccups: all of this is before the end of the first three months in the womb.  Those are the biological signs but I also needed to know that my children were real and were not going to disappear like they never existed. I needed to know God relized my chid was there. Did he have a soul before taking a breath?  And then I read in Luke chapter 1 about Mary going to Zacharias house and greeted Elizabeth. And it happened, when Elizabeth heard the greeting of Mary that the babe leaped in her womb; and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. Then she spoke out with a loud voice and said, blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb.  So this answers for me the fact that there is a lasting, eternal soul present from conception. So my children, your children are not only was a real, valid, meaningful person from the moment of his or her conception, but he or she has continued to be a real, lasting eternal being since the moment of his or her  death. So I will be with them again that is where my Hope lies. My longing to be heaven is so strong some days I can hardly carry on. His (God's) purpose may not always harmonize with ours, but in the eternal symphony, we will come to reconize better the part played by creature - even when the note played by circumstances seems wrong.  Then because of my up bringing as I told you earlier, I was not reared in the Apostolic faith, I was baptized as an infant so I did have some family in their well meaning way say to me after the death of Seth "Did you have him baptized?" of course I answered "Why?"  Because I know God has many passages clear to me where Jesus speaks of the innocense of little children, As in Matthew 18:10 "Their angels always see the face of MY Father." His meaning is clearly that notwithstanding every child's inherent potential for sinning - small children, still in their innocence, enjoy an uninterrupted discourse with the heart of God. At what age this is broken cannot be measured for it would vary with each person. Still, one thing is clear; an unborn or stillborn child hasn't transgressed that union.  We also read in Psalm 23:6 where David spoke of his deprated son, who died days after birth; "I shall go to him, And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."   Each child will pass into the presense of God. What a Hope to hold on to. I will meet Benjamin, Sarah, Seth, Kayla, Cheyanne, Dakota,Sierra and Triston all again someday and will simply and immediately "know" who they are.  God's word is amazing.  Just like His Grace.
    Talking about things said in a well meaning way, one pharse that always cuts to my heart is "All things work together for good to those who love God," as saying that it is in someway to me that I did not or I did something wrong or God's purpose was for this to happen.  This only led me down a path of bitterness and anger.  Because my loss wasn't God's purpose for me or His fault nor MINE. WE live in a broken, imperfect world, and we are members of a fallen race. Then there were people that downplayed my grief and a sense of loss for the baby I never really got to know. But my losses were real and significant.  The depth was great and the season of grief as prolonged ever though there were few memories to deal with.  There were dreams that became unfulfilled and anticipated joy that was suddenly quenched. Because I as soon as I found out about my pregnancy my heart and soul began to love and encompass this new little life.  Then the life was gone. My heart was empty and so were my arms.  So I want you to try to understand God has not taken your child or my child.  Your child is with God , He has let these truths be there be there for you and me. He is the redeemer and comforter to all.  I always cling to that and that He promises a reunion someday with my children.  So this is what I have decided what God's purpose is for my life is to help in some small way encourage ones who have lost or maybe help those who have not to understand in some small way what God's purpose might be in all of this and to always keep looking for His light.  Your little light shine. I will let you know later why that scripture has such a deep meaning for me.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Seth's Birthday

These aniversary days are always hard to get through no matter how many years it has been.  Seth would be 22 now and we never even got to celerbrate his first birthday with him.  The questions all come flooding back, "Why did God let this happen?"  He was such a healthy boy.  But I know now and always new that God has a plan.  We need to trust always and have faith in His grace.  His power is all mighty.  I have always held fast to the thought that His all mighty hand is there holding mine and He will never let me go.  That is such comfort to me.  If you sit quietly in a calm place you can really feel his arms around you, you really can.  Or maybe this is just when you are in deepest need of it,but I have felt it.  So I do know it is possiable. On our kids birthday's we always like to do something special to remember them.  This year we decided to let Taylen our youngest have some friends over.  He has already had enough sadness in his life. He has been asking for awhile to have friends over anyways.  So it was a way celerbrate Seth's life and make Taylen happy at the same time.  It will make a good memory.  Days like this sure do make me miss not having Johnathan at home.  I know he remember's what day it is, because he has mention before that he sure would of liked having a big brother to look up to and ask advise.  You know all the big brother things that go along with it.  He did have Kayla for awhile which he said was great while it lasted,  but a sister still  is not the same as a brother. At every birthday you always wander what would they be doing now.  Would they be in college, what job would he be doing, would he be married, and to who,  would they have any kids ya I could be a grandma.  But I know God is faithful. Hold on!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Maybe I should tell you why this is called Kayla's song.  There was a special song written for my daughter which inspired me to write this.  Kayla enjoyed singing and did it with her whole heart and voice.  She always filled the house and car with song and laughter.  Here is the song written by Tare Steffen.  "My First Day In Heaven" Standing here, looking at heavens door, So long I've waited for, this appointed time. Soon I'll be looking into the eyes, of the One who gave His life, to pardon all my sin.  Please, don't weep for me.  I am where I belong.  Someday you will join me here.  Please try to be strong.

      I will be waiting for you my love, watching you from above, till we meet again.  Wait and see, the best is yet to be, for all eternity, here with all the saints.  Please don't weep for me,  I am where I belong.  Someday, you will join me here. Please try to be strong.

                                               I will fly on the wings of His love.
                                               And I will sing with angels above,
                                      And I will dance around the throne of grace.
                                                     On my first day in Heaven.

I am getting a little ahead of myself in our lives but I thought you should know why I was  sharing my story. Now back to 1985.  Troy and I had been married two months and I could not take the struggle any more. I knew something had to be done. Troy just kept himself busy with work and over at the farm, anything to be away from me.  So after a long visit with a dear man and lady whom I respected very highly, Troy's sunday school teacher's when we were dating, Harry Steffen and his wife Betty.  I decided to be a part of Troy's church which is mostly what we fought about.  Because I had been baptized as a baby and then a young youth I repented for my sins and gave my heart to Jesus. Then there was Troy who new the truth and had sinned much worse than I had ever did and still was turning away from God.  I just kept pointing my finger at him and that was just as bad.  And on that night I realized I had fallen into sin also by not only because of those actions but also because of others and the baptizme  at birth was not my chose so I needed to make that decision now.  I went home to tell Troy,  it was late when I returned home, he did decide to go with me.  He did admit that is just the push he needed.  He did not think he would of ever done it on his own.  He sees why God put us together God has surly worked in our lives.  Our first service was on Thanksgiving.

     There was another thing that made our first couple months very difficult to handle.  I felt I dealt with this all alone.  As I came to find out later that many woman do feel the same way.  And I want you to know that does not have to be that way.  God can be that strength and there are many books and other resources out there. Sisters that have gone through the same thing. I am talking about a miscarriage.  Our first week of marriage I became pregnant.  I was due June 1986.  I miscarriage in Oct 1985.  We named the baby Benjamin William.  I feel you need to give your baby a name. It makes them seem more real.
You already feel so empty inside, so lost.  Like what do I do now.  So many questions why would God want this to happen?  What did I do wrong?  Then you here at church you did do something wrong you do deserve what you get.  What it all comes down to is that sometimes there is no answer. Sometimes we won't know.  Just trust that God is always there.  He is there to lead us through we just need to read in His word.  The answers are there.  There was this passage that stood out to me in Psalm 17:1 "Hear the right, O Lord, attend unto my cry, give ear unto my prayer, that goeth not out of feigned lips.  Let my sentence come forth from thy presence; let thine eyes behold the things that are equal."  This was very helpful to me because I knew that God was hearing my cry.  Because Troy's way of dealing with this was to work harder. But my God was always faithful to me.

                 For the next couple of years our faith grew and our marriage strengthen. It sure was a beautiful thing.  Troy still kept pretty busy but I grew to understand that he just loved working and it did not mean he was not wanting to spend time with me. It was just how it was.  Then is January of 1987 I found out I pregnant again. What a joyous time.  But it happen again in March I miscarriage. The questions all came up again, but even stronger. Why a second time?  How wrong is that!  But you know what God was still there He was still there!!  Because this time Troy was more understanding and more loving and just more there for me. Things always happen to us and for us for a reason to prepare us only God knows why.  We are strong enough if we just lean on Him.  I do not think I could of made it through that time without Troy's strength. Once was hard enough but twice would have been too hard,  God know what we can handle .  You always need to tell yourself that to make it through as not to let satin get you down, because God is stronger than he.

            Well now as time went on in March of 1988 I was pregnant again. Oh I did not tell you our second child name was Sarah Kay.  Now this third time was full term and Seth William was born on October 21,1988.  He was a beautiful blue eyed baby boy, 8lbs. 21ins. Nice and healthy.  When we brought him home he was such a good baby.  He love to be read to and sang to. His favorite song was "Oh to be Nothing" even if he would be crying he would quiet right down when you sang it to him.  Well in this song it says a messenger at your gateway, let your little child come in.  That is just what God had planned for him, because on April 6, 1989 Seth William Kipfer meet his Savior face to face at the gateway.  That day started out like any normal day as they say.  I got Seth all packed up we were going over to the babysitter's Rita DeHoff's.  She watched a few other kids too.  I dropped him off gave here the times for eating and all and said after going to Fort Wayne for meeting I was going to go grocery shopping at Scott's for stuff for potluck.  Then I returned to her home and found a note on her door that said she was at Caylor Nickel Hospital.  I thought one of the kids she was watching fell out of the tree and broke their arm, because when I had left earlier they were out there playing. So I did not worry even though I kept on getting this sinking feeling in my stomach. But when I drove by the ER doors I thought I saw my father-in-law John standing in the doorway, but I was not sure.  The only parking spot I could find was way in the back lot so I had a lot of time to think about whether or not I seen him.  I tried to talk myself out of it but then when I reached the hospital I heard them say is that the mother?  I knew there was something wrong.  I started panic and not breathing where is he? where is my boy?  There was my father-in-law standing I knew it was bad if he was there.  Then was Troy setting with Seth in his arms saying he went Home , he went Home .  I screamed No... not my boy not Seth you can't take Seth ....he just laid there lifeless cold oh so cold and so beautiful. He was such a beautiful baby.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Kayla's Song

I am not sure where to start?  This was a suggest by a dear friend in the faith.  His suggestion was maybe to give a little back ground of our family.  Troy and I first meet at a school track meet, our schools played each other.  For me it was maybe love at first sight but Troy on the other hand just thought I just was another girl in the crowd.  But as time went on I did get him to finally notice me.  And we were married on Aug. 17th, 1985.  In my parents home church which happens to be a Methodist Church.  Our first two months of married were very rocky because our two differences in faith.  Troy was raised in a Apostolic Christian home and said he was determined to someday repent. Even though he had not yet done so.