Sunday, September 11, 2011

The loss of a parent

I have mention before about what I felt about the difference maybe between the feelings of a loss of a child verses a parent.  Well guess what? God has given me my own feelings on that matter, now.  I just recently lost my father to an accident.  He fell down the basement stairs at his home.  My mom found him.  At the time they thought all he did was broke his wrist and had a few bumps and bruises.  But with in a couple of hours it showed up that he had internal injuries and bleeding and a hemorrhage  on the brain.  There was nothing they could do for him and he soon passed on.  My family put him on life support for me.  I was away on vacation when this all happen.  That way I could get back home to say good bye.  I believe, and have heard it said before that the hearing is the last to go. I do believe this is true.  I was able to talk to him and I sang him some songs.  I sang the song that I sang to Kayla when she had died.  It was the song that always calmed here when she was a baby and one that she would always go around the house as a child singing.  "You are my Sunshine"  Which at my dad's funeral I came to find out that there are different versions of the song out there.  Ones that just do not fit for someone who has just died.  And they played the wrong one at my dad's funeral, but anyhow it was still a lovely service and remembrance besides all that.  After I had finished singing to my dad "you are my sunshine" is just when he took his last breath.  I will always remember that.  It seems he was meant to hear it.
      What I feel the difference between the loss of a child and parent now may have change from before,  because now of my experience.  The loss of my dad has left me feeling like I have lost my connection with the world and I has given me a more greater need to go to heaven and a longing to be there.  My children had given me that longing but not the total lost of connection. Like my strong hold is gone.  My foundation.  God is whom I lean on for everything and He is my strong hold and foundation who I build my life on, but my dad I do not know how to describe what I mean my dad being that to me too.  Maybe that I used him a lot for a sounding board for thoughts and feelings and ideas.  He was really the one person that was always there for me during Kayla's death.  He knew how hard I tried to save her, because he was right there beside me trying to get back into the house too.  It just was just too hot,  but he was still fighting to go in and firefighters had to pull him out, just as they had to do to me.  But still a newspaper had written differently.  My dad always new differently and he could always keep Satan from telling me otherwise. My helped me in so many other ways too.  He gave me a lot of good advise most of all in how to treat others and how to view life.  My dad had lost his sight and he still loved God and life and did not complain about his situation. He was always wanted to give to others that always spoke to me.  That no matter what God gives us or does not give us we should always be thankful and always looking out for others seeing how we can give to others.  He always found someone that could use some help and he was always willing to help them.  I heard story after story from people that came to his viewing.  I wander why God would take such a good helper away so young.  He was only 69.  He has 3 young grandson,  4 great,  6 older grandchildren and many nieces and nephews.  I know I wander the same about Kayla she was a great light for his kingdom also.  A bright and shining star.  I do not know if mom could even find flaws with my dad.  They always seemed so in love and were a great example of two people in love.  I did see disagreements but that which were handled in a healthily loving way.  I am still at the question stage of my dad's death.  The pain is deep. I still see him sitting in his chair visiting with me giving me advise or just telling me one of his long stories about the past of him. (they always had a moral at the end) Then I wander how my family is dealing with the loss.  Troy,  Johnathan, and Taylen and then there is my mom.  How have all lives been affected? I have been spending a lot of more time at my moms than I normally did.  She seems to be doing a little better than she was a first but one thing I have noticed is that she is maybe getting a little absent minded or forgetful.  Or  at the least she does miss place things and forgets that she told you something already.  I know if this is something to worry about or not but I hope she is coping ok.  I know it must be lonely.  I know how empty my arms felt after Kayla died.  How lonely must a spouse feel?