going through the fire

   Of course it was a Thursday, remember how I mention a lot of things seem to happen to me on Thursdays, well this is another one. It was a pretty busy day the kids had school, we were remodeling our house and by now they were doing the drywall which made a lot of dust. All my kids had bad asthma most of all Kayla. Taylen was on breathing treatments at the time so I had to give him treatments every 4 hours during the day and if he woke up at night. He was 10 months old. Kayla was 11 and Johnathan was 9.  It was May 10th, 2002. Mother's Day weekend was on Sunday. We were moving over to my grandmother's 20 min. away, because of the dust and all the noise of the construction. Of course, between driving back and forth Kayla was singing in the trailblazer.  The song she was singing was "I can only imagine" with her whole heart like she always did. It is always so beautiful to remember. I always wander if she knew? If the angels were speaking to her? When we were getting settled in for the night I was totally worn out. Troy had not helped us get things around. He was working, so I had did all the moving myself while Kayla and Johnathan entertained Taylen. Troy decided to stay at our house for the time being while we stayed at my grandmother's in Willshire, OH, and Johnathan stayed at my mother's house a couple blocks down from my grandmother's at least for the night. So I gave Taylen his breathing treatment, tucked Kayla in bed. She slept in my grandmother's bed, because my grandmother was not staying there at the time. Matter of fact no one had stayed there for sometime. After saying her prayers, I told Kayla "See you in the morning, let your light shine, love you and sleep tight, God love's you." And I went to go to bed but Taylen woke up and was very upset so I laid him down with me. And went to sleep. It felt good to finally lay down. I was so tiered. But there was one thing I was forgetting a very important thing something I will regret the rest of my life. People tell me God's will and all things work together for good and none blame you, but how can't they? Sense no one had lived in the house for awhile the house smelt. And I am very sensitive to smells. So I found all the candles in the house I could and lit them. Then because I was so tiered I had forgotten to put them out, I thought I would put them out after I got Taylen settled, but I fell asleep. The next thing I remember is a loud crash. In my mind I thought it might be Kayla. She often would get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and get a drink of water. So I thought maybe she ran into something. I got up to help her. I was still in my clothes, sense I had not gotten ready for bed yet. I first looked down the hall did not see bathroom light on so I opened my door and there it was, the room was glowing with fire to the left in the dining room and starting to move into the sitting room in which I was standing. I yelled for Kayla. Her bedroom was two rooms away. She finally came. I grabbed her and started to go towards the door.  She screamed fire and no we needed to go to the bathroom and asked where is Taylen? Where is Taylen?  I let go of Kayla and went and got Taylen and wrapped him tightly in a blanket that was there. At this point I am pretty sure I then took Kayla in my arms and we all went to the door all I remember seeing was the street light through the big picture window beside the door. And I felt that was the only way out even though the fire was so near burning the curtains on that picture window. I did not think they were so close, I could only think of getting my children out. And I seen the light through the window that is all I could focus on. With Taylen in my left arm and my right arm around Kayla we were at the door , but the door was locked. It was a spring loaded lock that you need two hand to unlock. I was trying to reach around while still holding both but I was dropping Taylan he was moving around, so I let go of Kayla to unlock the door. I got it open. We went through the heavy wood and leaded glass door and screen door. I turned around to hug Kayla because we made out safely, but she was not there. My heart sank! The door had slammed behind me! At the time I did not know that was because of what they call a back draft, which makes a fire hotter and bigger, because the outside air gives it more oxegen which a fire needs.I screamed for some help no one came. I quickly put Taylen down on the porch and tried to open the door. It would not budge. I thought maybe Kayla had fallen against the door. That is why I could not open it? So I hit the window in the door and busted it. I reached in to see if I could feel her. I could not. Since I busted the window then I was able to open the door, so pushed it open. It would not go very far and it was hard to push. It was very hot inside. I kept on screaming for Kayla and some help. No one came. I knew time was precious. I picked up Taylen and went to a neighbor's house knocked and knocked. Finally someone answered. She said she would call it in I told her Kayla was in there. She took Taylen later I found out it was because he was covered in blood and she was worried he had been hurt. But it turned out it was me. She did not see that at the time. I ran back over to the fire. By this time another neighbor was there trying to going in, but it was too hot. He even put his coat around his face but was still unable to go in. I know he was pretty distrot about that. And now my brother came, he is on the fire dept., even though he did not have his equipment on he still went the fire.  Well tried. He went around the back way because I told him about Kayla talking about going to bathroom. I some how remembered that. So he tried going in that way and the back door, but without his equipment... Next thing I remember is my dad being there trying to go in saying he could find her because he is blind and he is used to not seeing. He got half way in before the fire dept. guys pulled him out. Then I remember dad yelling get up here , hurry up, this is my granddaughter!!! The firemen were already right beside us trying to get in through the picture window. The fire was so hot. One of the firemen came up and got me. When I got off the porch I just dropped to the ground and fell to my knees and asked God to take the very breath he gave me and give it to Kayla, please God do not take another one of my children away from me, please! She is so loved and has so much to give others, please God! I pleaded with Him. Then the fireman put his arms around me and helped me to a chair. I had cut my arms badly when I reached into feel for Kayla and burt my face when looking for her and burnt and cut up my feet pretty bad. They still had not found Kayla. By now I new her chances were slim but I would not believe she was gone...no God would not do this gain even though deep down I new God did not bring death. That was my thought. Then I saw a bunch of people gathering and then the ems left it must of been Kayla.  Please let me go. They just said you need taken care of we will let you see her soon. Then I got to the hospital. It seemed like for ever to get there. I think they were driving slow so they could work on Kayla at the hospital first. I do not know, but that is what I think. Then they cleaned me up some more than what they did at the seen. I kept on asking to see Kayla but they kept on putting me off. I knew she was there. Then they told me... they were unable to save her. Troy and I went in to see her. Many were watching, but I did not care. I still sang to her. So she would always remember to let her light shine. I sang 'this little light of mine 'is was her favorite. I had to spend a day or two in the hospital because of my burns. I can not remember exact when but Johnathan had made a flower out of the thumb tacs on my board in my room. Troy had asked God to make some kind of sense out of all of this ... what is the reason? some sign it will be ok... and just then a single sunbeam shone on that flower! It only shone for a moment but just long enough for both of us to see it. Praise the Lord! You may want to know another favorite song you could find Kayla singing quite often was "God wants me for a Sunbeam". How fitting.  Still 8 years later we going through the fire!