God has put us each together for a purpose. We each compliment each other. God knows who is best for me who would work best for me. God chose Troy for me. That is the only way this could of worked out. We were put together is such an odd way it could of only been God working in our lives. And God is the only one who has held us together ever since., after 25 years of marriage. There has been many trails and temtations along the way but God has brought us through it all.
One day going through Kayla's things I came across a poem she had written I do not know for what or who she was thinking of or for what purpose it was for but here it is...
When the butterfly comes Fluttering by
I can't help but think of You
Your laughter feels the air
I see you dancing on the clouds
God whispers in the wind
I will meet you in the sky
When the butterflies come fluttering by....
I know now why God kept Troy and I together and placed us in each others arms, it was for His better purpose. I look at the children we have had and that God has placed in our lives and I marvel at His wonderous works. The miscarriages the stillborn and even the deaths as a child for whom before we could ever know them - their possibilities, their presence and their purpose - they were gone. But I assure you that there is Hope. Even with tears, pain, some bitterness, and even questions - a stillborn, a miscarred, or early death child can bring a few moments in Gods word there is Hope. And for those among us who have never known such pain, failure or grief, my hope is that an enlargement of heart may occour. Because sometimes there was this saying even I know well intended, it is unscriptural and insensitive idea so sincerely spoken at funerals or said to me at death of my children is that God somehow knew better and that He took back the life He had earlier given from heaven. However well intended the thought, God didn't and doesn't take babies because He needs them in heaven. The pain and problem of death exist on this planet because humainty has broken its trust with the treasure of life. Just as in Psalm 139 God knows everything nothing was hid from Him, even when having a stillborn and miscarriages I always wondered where did everything start forming, because when I would lose my children or hold them there in my hand crying, I would look at them and see the wonders of God's works, I could see the form of little limbs or slits for the eyes a little nub for the nose what would be? Because in the third week the lobes of the brain are distinguishable; in the fourth week the head and face are recognizable and the heart starts to beat; during weeks five and six, the eyes are identifiable, and legs are putting on flesh and muscle; in the eighth week, the baby 's sex can be identified and the baby can begin to turn it's head, squint, frown, make a fist and even get the hiccups: all of this is before the end of the first three months in the womb. Those are the biological signs but I also needed to know that my children were real and were not going to disappear like they never existed. I needed to know God relized my chid was there. Did he have a soul before taking a breath? And then I read in Luke chapter 1 about Mary going to Zacharias house and greeted Elizabeth. And it happened, when Elizabeth heard the greeting of Mary that the babe leaped in her womb; and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. Then she spoke out with a loud voice and said, blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb. So this answers for me the fact that there is a lasting, eternal soul present from conception. So my children, your children are not only was a real, valid, meaningful person from the moment of his or her conception, but he or she has continued to be a real, lasting eternal being since the moment of his or her death. So I will be with them again that is where my Hope lies. My longing to be heaven is so strong some days I can hardly carry on. His (God's) purpose may not always harmonize with ours, but in the eternal symphony, we will come to reconize better the part played by creature - even when the note played by circumstances seems wrong. Then because of my up bringing as I told you earlier, I was not reared in the Apostolic faith, I was baptized as an infant so I did have some family in their well meaning way say to me after the death of Seth "Did you have him baptized?" of course I answered "Why?" Because I know God has many passages clear to me where Jesus speaks of the innocense of little children, As in Matthew 18:10 "Their angels always see the face of MY Father." His meaning is clearly that notwithstanding every child's inherent potential for sinning - small children, still in their innocence, enjoy an uninterrupted discourse with the heart of God. At what age this is broken cannot be measured for it would vary with each person. Still, one thing is clear; an unborn or stillborn child hasn't transgressed that union. We also read in Psalm 23:6 where David spoke of his deprated son, who died days after birth; "I shall go to him, And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." Each child will pass into the presense of God. What a Hope to hold on to. I will meet Benjamin, Sarah, Seth, Kayla, Cheyanne, Dakota,Sierra and Triston all again someday and will simply and immediately "know" who they are. God's word is amazing. Just like His Grace.
Talking about things said in a well meaning way, one pharse that always cuts to my heart is "All things work together for good to those who love God," as saying that it is in someway to me that I did not or I did something wrong or God's purpose was for this to happen. This only led me down a path of bitterness and anger. Because my loss wasn't God's purpose for me or His fault nor MINE. WE live in a broken, imperfect world, and we are members of a fallen race. Then there were people that downplayed my grief and a sense of loss for the baby I never really got to know. But my losses were real and significant. The depth was great and the season of grief as prolonged ever though there were few memories to deal with. There were dreams that became unfulfilled and anticipated joy that was suddenly quenched. Because I as soon as I found out about my pregnancy my heart and soul began to love and encompass this new little life. Then the life was gone. My heart was empty and so were my arms. So I want you to try to understand God has not taken your child or my child. Your child is with God , He has let these truths be there be there for you and me. He is the redeemer and comforter to all. I always cling to that and that He promises a reunion someday with my children. So this is what I have decided what God's purpose is for my life is to help in some small way encourage ones who have lost or maybe help those who have not to understand in some small way what God's purpose might be in all of this and to always keep looking for His light. Your little light shine. I will let you know later why that scripture has such a deep meaning for me.