Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Maybe I should tell you why this is called Kayla's song.  There was a special song written for my daughter which inspired me to write this.  Kayla enjoyed singing and did it with her whole heart and voice.  She always filled the house and car with song and laughter.  Here is the song written by Tare Steffen.  "My First Day In Heaven" Standing here, looking at heavens door, So long I've waited for, this appointed time. Soon I'll be looking into the eyes, of the One who gave His life, to pardon all my sin.  Please, don't weep for me.  I am where I belong.  Someday you will join me here.  Please try to be strong.

      I will be waiting for you my love, watching you from above, till we meet again.  Wait and see, the best is yet to be, for all eternity, here with all the saints.  Please don't weep for me,  I am where I belong.  Someday, you will join me here. Please try to be strong.

                                               I will fly on the wings of His love.
                                               And I will sing with angels above,
                                      And I will dance around the throne of grace.
                                                     On my first day in Heaven.

I am getting a little ahead of myself in our lives but I thought you should know why I was  sharing my story. Now back to 1985.  Troy and I had been married two months and I could not take the struggle any more. I knew something had to be done. Troy just kept himself busy with work and over at the farm, anything to be away from me.  So after a long visit with a dear man and lady whom I respected very highly, Troy's sunday school teacher's when we were dating, Harry Steffen and his wife Betty.  I decided to be a part of Troy's church which is mostly what we fought about.  Because I had been baptized as a baby and then a young youth I repented for my sins and gave my heart to Jesus. Then there was Troy who new the truth and had sinned much worse than I had ever did and still was turning away from God.  I just kept pointing my finger at him and that was just as bad.  And on that night I realized I had fallen into sin also by not only because of those actions but also because of others and the baptizme  at birth was not my chose so I needed to make that decision now.  I went home to tell Troy,  it was late when I returned home, he did decide to go with me.  He did admit that is just the push he needed.  He did not think he would of ever done it on his own.  He sees why God put us together God has surly worked in our lives.  Our first service was on Thanksgiving.

     There was another thing that made our first couple months very difficult to handle.  I felt I dealt with this all alone.  As I came to find out later that many woman do feel the same way.  And I want you to know that does not have to be that way.  God can be that strength and there are many books and other resources out there. Sisters that have gone through the same thing. I am talking about a miscarriage.  Our first week of marriage I became pregnant.  I was due June 1986.  I miscarriage in Oct 1985.  We named the baby Benjamin William.  I feel you need to give your baby a name. It makes them seem more real.
You already feel so empty inside, so lost.  Like what do I do now.  So many questions why would God want this to happen?  What did I do wrong?  Then you here at church you did do something wrong you do deserve what you get.  What it all comes down to is that sometimes there is no answer. Sometimes we won't know.  Just trust that God is always there.  He is there to lead us through we just need to read in His word.  The answers are there.  There was this passage that stood out to me in Psalm 17:1 "Hear the right, O Lord, attend unto my cry, give ear unto my prayer, that goeth not out of feigned lips.  Let my sentence come forth from thy presence; let thine eyes behold the things that are equal."  This was very helpful to me because I knew that God was hearing my cry.  Because Troy's way of dealing with this was to work harder. But my God was always faithful to me.

                 For the next couple of years our faith grew and our marriage strengthen. It sure was a beautiful thing.  Troy still kept pretty busy but I grew to understand that he just loved working and it did not mean he was not wanting to spend time with me. It was just how it was.  Then is January of 1987 I found out I pregnant again. What a joyous time.  But it happen again in March I miscarriage. The questions all came up again, but even stronger. Why a second time?  How wrong is that!  But you know what God was still there He was still there!!  Because this time Troy was more understanding and more loving and just more there for me. Things always happen to us and for us for a reason to prepare us only God knows why.  We are strong enough if we just lean on Him.  I do not think I could of made it through that time without Troy's strength. Once was hard enough but twice would have been too hard,  God know what we can handle .  You always need to tell yourself that to make it through as not to let satin get you down, because God is stronger than he.

            Well now as time went on in March of 1988 I was pregnant again. Oh I did not tell you our second child name was Sarah Kay.  Now this third time was full term and Seth William was born on October 21,1988.  He was a beautiful blue eyed baby boy, 8lbs. 21ins. Nice and healthy.  When we brought him home he was such a good baby.  He love to be read to and sang to. His favorite song was "Oh to be Nothing" even if he would be crying he would quiet right down when you sang it to him.  Well in this song it says a messenger at your gateway, let your little child come in.  That is just what God had planned for him, because on April 6, 1989 Seth William Kipfer meet his Savior face to face at the gateway.  That day started out like any normal day as they say.  I got Seth all packed up we were going over to the babysitter's Rita DeHoff's.  She watched a few other kids too.  I dropped him off gave here the times for eating and all and said after going to Fort Wayne for meeting I was going to go grocery shopping at Scott's for stuff for potluck.  Then I returned to her home and found a note on her door that said she was at Caylor Nickel Hospital.  I thought one of the kids she was watching fell out of the tree and broke their arm, because when I had left earlier they were out there playing. So I did not worry even though I kept on getting this sinking feeling in my stomach. But when I drove by the ER doors I thought I saw my father-in-law John standing in the doorway, but I was not sure.  The only parking spot I could find was way in the back lot so I had a lot of time to think about whether or not I seen him.  I tried to talk myself out of it but then when I reached the hospital I heard them say is that the mother?  I knew there was something wrong.  I started panic and not breathing where is he? where is my boy?  There was my father-in-law standing I knew it was bad if he was there.  Then was Troy setting with Seth in his arms saying he went Home , he went Home .  I screamed No... not my boy not Seth you can't take Seth ....he just laid there lifeless cold oh so cold and so beautiful. He was such a beautiful baby.

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